When your mother is stuck in emotional childhood
When your mother is functioning as an emotional child, she will blame you and other people for how
she feels, for how you are making her behave, and for the circumstances in her life.
That means; she isn’t taking responsibility for how she feels, for where she stands in her life and
for the choices she is making. She will see others responsible but not her self.
I don’t think our mothers are aware of their behavior. They are blind to their own destructive thinking
patterns and really believe wholeheartedly that what they know is the only truth. Our mothers were
taught by their parents and their generation that other people are responsible for how they feel, and it
became so ingrained in them that they don’t even question it or recognize how needy and dependent it
is making them.
When your mother is acting like an emotional child she is actually saying;
here are my needs and now you need to meet them if my needs are not met it’s your fault.
It is your responsibility to make me happy.
That approach is turning her to be like a dependent child who needs you or someone else to
make her feel better and be satisfied.
Here are some common emotional child behavior;
- Reacting to their emotions, yelling, attacking, insulting, being bitchy, lying, gossiping, being mean, sabotaging.
- Avoiding their emotions and not allowing themselves to really feel. So they might go into blame, resisting their feelings, denying them, turning to distractions like focusing on what their daughter is doing instead of staying with their emotions.
- Controlling others. They will try to control the child’s life as a way to buffer and not deal with their own negative emotions.
So what now?
Your mother is stuck in emotional childhood, and most likely won’t change. But this is not about
your mother. I care about you.
How can you make your life easier?
What’s the best way to cope with a parent like that?
The one thing that made my life easier was to understand what my mother couldn’t.
Which is; I am responsible for how I feel in every given moment.
I am in charge of how I think, and how I feel. That means to take full responsibility for my emotions.
If your mother was blaming and attacking you and you felt hurt it was only because you believed
her words and you took her behavior and made it mean something personal against you.
That is all your own creation that you did in your mind.
Your life will become easier once you realize and accept that you’re the only person who has control
over your emotions.
What would change if you would stop expecting your mother or other people to “make”
you happy?. If you would stop expecting your mother to “make” you feel secure, approved and loved?
(just as much as she is expecting of you). What if you would see only yourself in charge of that?
That will mean entering emotional adulthood.
Letting the belief; that other people are responsible for how you feel – go.
If you chose not to let it go, it would result in acting just like your mother and blaming her for
everything in your life.
I used to be offended when my mother would tell me she is disappointed in me, that I’m a selfish
daughter, that she regrets having children, that having them was the biggest mistake of her life.
Today I know that her words have nothing to do with me, I’m not taking them personally, I decided
not to believe what she’s saying. And therefore I’m not feeling offended or hurt.
I know her words are coming from her own painful story and she wants me to “save” her from her misery.
Being an adult requires more effort than lingering in emotional childhood.
This is important!!;
It is not what happens to you, it is what you believe about what happens
to you that causes the feeling. – that is everything that changed my
relationship to my mother completely!
Be willing to accept the truth of who you are, accept the parts in you that aren’t perfect, when you
do so, you maintain your power. Then every action or opinion that comes from the outside doesn’t
bother you or mean much to you. Cause you learned to own your truth, you stand behind it, behind
Your mother’s emotional childhood requires from you to enter your
I think that’s the best gift you can give yourself. You will benefit from it immensely and therefore grow
and evolve to be a healthy functioning free woman.
You cant fix your mother, but you can take care of your own emotional health and be the one that is
the adult. Take care of you and be there for yourself.