Good daughter? Who’s to say?
Do you ever feel like no matter what you do your mother will never be happy with
you? After all the help and support you give, you’ll always hear in the end a negative
comment and being blamed for not being supportive and helping enough?
It hurts when our mothers are never happy with us. And never being really
acknowledged as good daughters.
But why does it hurt?
It hurts because we want our mothers to see how good we are, how well we mean it,
we want them to be happy with what we do and with who we are. And when that doesn’t
happen, a desire in us isn’t being answered. The desire to be seen by our own mother is
That is why it hurts.
We want something we’re not getting.
So where does the desire come from?
Why do we care what our mother thinks?
Why do we want her approval that we are okay?
I believe we all want to belong, be part of something bigger, whole.
Society and cultures dictate very clearly what a good daughter should be like.
We want to fit in; we don’t want to be seen as the black sheep. We don’t want to be
excluded by our own family, and we certainly don’t want to be rejected by the woman
who gave birth to us. That is deeply ingrained in us, and there’s nothing wrong with you
for seeking approval it just means you have a normal functioning brain that fears
rejection and to be excluded.
The deeper reason why we want our mother’s approval is
because we want to feel better.
It’s very uncomfortable when someone else thinks badly about us, we are then
confronted with negative emotions like guilt, resentfulness, bitterness, hurt,
Many of us think that the answer to feel lighter and eliminate the discomfort is in
our mother’s opinion. “If only she would see how good I am, then I’ll feel relieved
and calm again.”
If you’re depended on your mother’s approval to feel good then you most likely want to
control and change her behavior. That means mother pleasing. Doing things you don’t
want to do just so she’ll be happy with you and therefore you’ll be feeling approved
and acknowledged. That is very stressful leaving you empty and drained.
What if your mother doesn’t determine anything about you?
What if your mother’s opinion about you has nothing to do with you? And your worth?
What if you could feel good about yourself without her?
The only thing that can determine whether or not you’re a good
daughter is your thinking and not your mother’s words.
You have already seen that no matter what you do she’s just not happy and will most
likely not acknowledge how good you are.
Your mother can’t see how good you are.
But you can.
Instead of waiting and hoping for your mother to see it, release her from that job and
don’t put your emotional well-being in her hands.
If your mother tells you; “you’re cold, selfish and ungrateful” you have two options.
one; you can try to prove her wrong and change her mind, which will result in
reacting, maybe fighting, trying to control her and losing your energy.
Second; You let her be wrong about you.
She can keep her opinion, and you get to keep yours. Because in the end, her opinion
of you is just a thought in her head. You have a choice to believe her thought or not.
What I like to do is, to be honest, and say; mother you might be right, sometimes I
am selfish and cold.” That’s it, owning it, not apologizing and not going pleasing her.
Instead, I accept the way I am and decide to believe that I’m a good daughter after all.
I also like to remind myself that part of being human means to be sometimes selfish
and cold. Nothing has gone wrong here.
When I truly believe I was warm and loving and my mother wasn’t able to see it, I
would just allow her to be wrong about me. It’s not pleasant but it serves me better.
I’ll tell myself; Aniko you’re such a good spirit with such a good heart, I’m here and I
see you. When I believe that, I no longer wait for my mother to do it for me.
That is freedom. That is re-mothering my self. Giving myself my own approval even
when my mom disagrees with me.
Ask yourself what does a good daughter do?
What does it mean to be a good daughter? Write it all down.
Then look at your answer and decide if you like what you see. You get to define what
kind of a good daughter you want to be. It is in your hands not in your mothers.
P.S. Do you wish to stop seeking your mother’s approval? Do you want to
free yourself from her dissatisfaction and not take her personally?
I wanted that as well, and today I am no longer taking my mother’s negativity
into my life. I’m here to teach you how you can achieve that as well. Book your
Free mini session here, and ill teach you how.